


Always Too Human

by Perkyshadowgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 12:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3250289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perkyshadowgirl/pseuds/Perkyshadowgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'll tell you who else had faith like that — Mom. She used to tell me when she tucked me in that angels were watching over us. In fact, that was the last thing she ever said to me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Too Human

The funny thing about prophecies is how quickly they changed. When Mary Winchester nee Campbell became pregnant, Michael - who had long been assigned to the bloodline - had signed dramatically. 

"Castiel," he had called, because it was Thursday. Castiel was required to be 'on call' for his brothers. "Can you take another?" And Castiel had said yes, because to have a boy from the Campbell line - even if he was never to know his proud heritage - was a true, true honour, and one he would accept with great pride. 

And then Azazel, a demon long forgotten by Heaven and Earth, played a card from a hand no one had realized was in play. Angels collided in a war based in time where no true victor could be determined. Michael moved in to play, doing his utmost to protect the family. Wings flew John from the flaming house, saving Dean and a young Sammy, but Mary… 

… Well. Mary had made a deal, hadn't she? Angels were powerless against God-given free will. 

"Well, Cassy," Michael had said to him after the war was "won", and John Winchester lay broken with two young boys in a dingy hotel room. "Looks like you've moved up in rank. There seems to be a legend developing below us." 

He hadn't wanted this. He'd never wanted to be anything more than what he was. He was happy with Thursday. Thursday was a nice, calm day - no one hated Thursday the way they hated Monday or Tuesday. No one expected anything of Thursday, the way they did Friday and Saturday. Thursday was a calm, pleasant, neutral sort of day for a calm, pleasant, neutral sort of Angel. 

Dean Winchester was anything but calm and pleasant. 

When he was six, Dean Winchester _picked the lock_ to the trunk of the Impala (and Castiel wasn't entirely convinced that the car didn't have a life of its own, and had _helped_ Dean to get it open) and stole a gun. The boy nearly shot himself in the foot. And he would have, too, if a noise in the bushes hadn't started him. He missed his foot, hit the small animal that he'd been aiming for, and spent the rest of his childhood proud of how natural a shot he was. 

By the time he _nearly drowned_ himself while John was in the middle of an exorcism, Castiel was ready to just let him drown. His other duties were becoming rushed and frazzled because he literally could not afford to be away from Dean for longer than a week or two at a time. It was _exhausting_. 

But Castiel wasn't really that kind of Angel. And so, he stumbled into commons, completely soaking wet, and his brothers and sisters laughed and laughed until storms broke out globally on the Earth below. Michael clapped him on his shoulder. 

"You'll get used to it," he said cheerily. "He's a Campbell - it's what they do." 

There were times Castiel watched Sam, who kept his nose (and himself, for that matter) clean. Who did well in school, did his best to be kind, and overall was quite… normal. There were times… Castiel wished that he could have been _Sam's_ Guardian Angel, if only because he would have some help with his protection. Dean - when he wasn't being foolish and staying out till all hours in an arcade ( _to the point_ where Castiel had to whisper suggestion to get the Manager to close up early because Dean would never have been able to live with the guilt of putting his brother into a coma) - was very good about doing what was best for his brother. Best for his family. And then Castiel remembered that he loved Dean for that, and he stopped wishing for another charge. 

He was there for most major events, of course. He was there when Sammy left and took Dean's heart with him. Castiel was the comfort in the night that John was unable to be, the voice that echoed in Dean's head that it wasn't his fault, that Sam had to live his own life. Castiel was never good at the emotion thing, though - no Angels were - so he opened windows, blew newspaper clippings, and prayed prayed prayed until finally something struck Dean's interest. 

Castiel found he was actually relieved to go back to rescuing the boy on a regular basis, even if it was time consuming. It was… irritating to watch Dean sit and suffer the way he had been. Castiel just wanted what was best for him. 

The buzz around Heaven some time after that was that John had caught the scent of Azazel himself, and all hands on deck were called to defend him. With Sam all gunned up because of Jessica, Castiel thought he could afford to take some time off to get his other Angel duties taken care of - he had learned what the Winchesters preparing for "war" looked like, and knew he would have to get his affairs in order so that he could watch the idiots more closely. 

Alas. You would think that after 25 years, Castiel would have learned that Dean required constant protection. When he was next able to check in, Dean had somehow managed to reduce his lifespan to one, measly, month. Michael just laughed and laughed. 

Castiel didn't think he'd ever be proud of the way he took the "rogue reaper" intelligence that Heaven had learned about, and used it to his own advantage, but really… it was for the good of the Angels. Having hunters resolve the situation was _far_ better than getting involved themselves. Just because Castiel was hopeful that it would result in Dean's recovery… 

… He was becoming far too sinful and human for his liking. He had to take a step back and reevaluate. Michael assured him it happened to everyone - humans were emotionally complex, and tended to rub off on their Angels. He just needed a bit of a distance, which he took. He allowed Dean to be foolish and suicidal - particularly since John was around to pick up the slack for most of it. 

And then… the truck. 

Castiel didn't think he ever flew as fast as he did when he saw what was coming. A possessed driver on a route that was perpendicular to the Winchesters was not going to end well, after all. But when he'd moved to shield Dean, protect him from the worst of it, he _felt_ his presence be pushed off. There was something, deep in the core of the Winchester boy that recognized what was happening and _redirected_ Castiel.

After the truck hit, Sam was the one who maintained consciousness, because all the way down to his very bones, down to the deepest reaches of his soul, the thing that Dean cared most about was his younger brother. Castiel couldn't even be angry about it. 

He went to Michael, after that. He needed help. They knew by this point that the Winchesters were part of some larger scheme, had some bigger destiny planned for them that hadn't quite been put in motion. Michael and Raphael were talking in low whispers, completely absorbed in their conversations. Castiel did not mean to hear, but he did hear enough to know that destiny had been put in motion, regarding the "seals". Since he was not supposed to be listening, he put it from his mind immediately, resolving to come back later to request Michael's help. This would haunt him, much later in life. 

And then John was dead, and Dean was taking a crowbar to the Impala, and even Castiel knew this was something that was not easily bandaged. He didn't even know where he was meant to start. 

But Sam did. It was one of the things about humans that always fascinated Castiel, the way they would look out for each other. Some more often than others, most assuredly, but there was something about their connections with each other that was… beyond admirable. That made it very easy to love them, in spite of how sinful they were. That allowed Castiel to see what God must have admired in them when he created them, and why it did not hurt him as much as everyone had thought it would when they fell… so very far. 

Castiel understood why Lucifer had tempted Lilith away from Adam, transforming her, claiming her, making her his first. He understood why Lucifer had tempted Eve, forcing her to consume from the tree of knowledge, tainting humanity for all eternity and transforming herself into the mother of all demons. But on the other wing, Castiel understood why Gabriel had fallen from Heaven, no longer able to deal with the scorn his brethren felt towards the humans. 

Brothers were supposed to look after each other, after all. So when Sam was possessed by Azazel's daughter, Castiel did not flinch. Dean would not harm his brother, no matter how demonic he appeared. Castiel was not surprised when Michael - who was meant to be watching over the youngest Winchester - made no move to protect him. 

However, other times… Castiel thought maybe Michael just didn't care. 

He was starting to notice a pattern. Sam would do something foolish, or reckless, or "wrong" and it could be for many reasons, but primarily Castiel was pretty sure it was because the WInchesters never gave Sam the opportunity to be a proper hunter. So he never _really_ learned how. It was too bad, but it wasn't really Castiel's problem. Unless Dean made it his problem. 

South Dakota. 

See, the thing of it was, Castiel really resented his job watching poor, pathetic humans. He liked Dean well enough - Sam too, if he could get past the demon blood - and John was all right on a good day when he wasn't giving Dean ulcers from worry. Or dying. Or something. But overall? Humans were greedy, glutenous, lustful and lazy, full of useless pride, envy and wrath. They had no virtue, no sense of honour or duty. They were too caught up in their petty battles to see that the final victory would have more spoils than they could imagine, if they would only live life the way they were meant to. He hated how he had to watch with such vigilance. 

But when Michael _allowed_ Sam to be kidnapped from that restaurant, taken to South Dakota to engage in a gladiator match of Azazel's design? When his only excuse when Castiel confronted him was, "Don't panic, Castiel. Sam had a brother. He'll handle it."? Castiel began to feel his first true feelings of doubt. They were easily resolved through prayer, of course, but… 

It was why he refused to accept the guilt for the deal Dean made, after that. Dean was right. They had taken Sam. What was he supposed to do? But if Bobby had felt a higher power at work within him when he scolded Dean for being foolish, well… Castiel couldn't allow himself to feel guilty about that, either. 

It was interesting, Castiel thought, how after that he didn't feel the all-encompassing need to throttle Dean Winchester for being needlessly reckless. Castiel wondered which stage of grief that put him in. Was this acceptance? Denial? Likely depression. It was very human, whatever it was, and he hated Dean for that. He found himself wishing that somehow, someway, Sam would come up with the answer that they needed. And yet… he doubted very much that that would be the case. Deals with the devil were not easily broken, and for Dean's soul? Castiel doubted there was a price tag that could fit it. 

The year passed in a blur after that, full of demons and demonic presence, full of Abigail Prichard - or Bela Talbot, apparently, though Castiel did not see where that name fit her personality at all - full of pain, and anguish, and half the time Castiel couldn't watch because he could no more bear the lost expressions Sam made than Dean could - and then the final curtain call. 

Castiel didn't watch. But his ears, having spent years in tune with Dean's pain, could not help but listen. 

He was meditating, lost in prayer in the back fields of someone's Heaven, trying to come to terms with what happened, and deciding whether he had done his very best to protect the boy put into his charge all those years ago. He was asking for absolution for Dean's presence in Hell, trying to decide if it was his fault, when he felt Michael's hand on his shoulder. 

"Don't beat yourself up about it, brother," Michael said. And when Michael said something you believed it. Castiel turned to look at him, and Michael just gave him that smile that lit up so many churches down below. "Take action. Do something about it." 

Castiel did a bit of research into the situation, and he didn't like what he'd found. John Winchester's fate in Hell he'd been blind to - John Winchester wasn't his charge - but apparently since it was Dean, everything became crystal clear. Mentions of the seals, the realization of what they had been doing to John Winchester, of what they were now doing to Dean… 

Castiel begged Michael's help - he wasn't strong enough to take on Hell by himself - but Michael told him that Dean was his charge, his responsibility, and it was _his_ job to prevent the apocalypse from happening. Castiel flew, harder and faster than he had in his life, and Michael brought the calvary fast behind him. They fought - hard - pushing at the very limits of their strength and determination to save Dean from the torment that Alistair was putting him through. 

They didn't make it. 

Michael clapped Castiel on the shoulder. He said that Castiel had done his best, and that was all they could have hoped for, and now they would deal with the fallout however they could. They'd have to head down to Earth in small groups, seek out vessels and people to help them, determine which seals would be most likely to be broken. Leave Dean in the bed he'd made for himself - if he rose to the surface, they'd just kill him then. Clearly, he was beyond saving. 

But Castiel had a job to do, and he was not leaving until he gripped his young charge tight and raised his from perdition. Because Dean was _his_ , his to watch over, his to care for, his to guide along the path of righteousness, as he had all his life. And to come _so close_ to rescuing him from a fate he didn't deserve, and then walk away because Dean had cracked after 30 years of torment? Castiel wasn't going to let that happen. 

Not now. Not ever.

It was interesting, when he had time to reflect on it. The Angels who served a particular day of the week were not meant for great things such as this. They were meant for the day to day comings and goings, to assist their brothers as was necessary in fulfilling their duties. Usually, to act as an aid to an Archangel, but sometimes to another. Their names were not the ones who went down in history as those to pray to, though they were as ageless as time itself in terms of their creation ("And then on the Second Day…"). Castiel had always felt secure in his role - he had never dreamed of anything bigger. 

And then he had been given Dean Winchester, to look out for and raise as a Son of God. Had he known then that he would one day be holding that boy's arm, dragging him up from the pit of Hell and placing him in the small pine box that his brother and friend had buried him in 4 months earlier… Well. Castiel thought he may have done things differently. 

As it was, he and Dean were going to have to have a long chat. The first seal had already been broken, and the rest were going to start breaking fast. Dean needed to get started on his mission to stop it. 

… Though, apparently, Castiel had misjudged a few things. 

… It was foolish, perhaps, but Castiel had assumed that he and Dean shared something that ran deeper than a simple connection between Angel and human. He thought that - as he understood Dean through action and word - Dean would understand him when he called out to him from the Heavens. Apparently, though, all Castiel succeeded in doing was making a rather large mess of one gas station and one hotel room, and leaving Dean very confused and disoriented. 

… He'd have to do this the hard way, then. 

Appearing to Jimmy Novak - even over the few weeks that it took to convince him that this was his just cause - was a simple enough move, only slightly hindered by a foolish human psychic demanding to see his true form. The man surrendered himself to the will of God with enough time for Castiel to get himself organized. In tuned as he was with Dean, he could feel the pull on his body that indicated that Dean was in need of his attention - stronger than it had ever been before, Dean was very close to praying for him directly. And, like a good Guardian, Castiel appeared before him. 

The show he put on was a bit over dramatic, he'd be the first to admit it. It wasn't _truly_ necessary to flare his power, shatter the lightbulbs as he did and crack wood on the door. But, he knew from experience that in order to get Dean to shut up and listen, he'd have to prove himself to be someone who he should not mess with - and if that meant instilling a bit of fear in his charge, Castiel was not afraid to do so. 

_"Who… are you?"_

_"I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."_

_"Yeah. Thanks for that."_

Castiel had to resist the urge to smile. Oh Dean. Always giving attitude when he was backed into a corner. Castiel didn't even flinch as Dean came at him with the demon-killing knife, merely glanced at it and removed it from his person, feeling the wound heal with his Angel abilities - no harm would come to Jimmy Novak while Castiel hosted him. He caught the iron rod that Bobby tried to strike him with, turning carefully and allowing Bobby to fall to the floor. 

He wished to speak to Dean uninterrupted. 

_"We need to talk Dean. Alone."_

He gave Dean a moment to go to Bobby, to ensure that he was all right - Castiel knew the importance of family for Dean, he understood it better than Dean probably did himself. But he was impatient, and eager to get things underway. 

_"Your friend's alive."_

_"Who are you?"_

_"Castiel."_ Really, he thought that was obvious. Did Dean truly not know him? Castiel fought against the feelings of hurt that caused in him. He was responding in entirely too human a manner to this situation. 

_"Yeah, I figured that much. I mean, what are you?"_

Castiel resisted the urge to shake his head. He supposed it was a valid question. Dean had only ever believed in what he could see, and this was his first direct exposure to God and the Angels - he'd only ever caught brief and unspecific glimpses in the past. _"I am an Angel of the Lord."_

_"Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing."_

_"This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith."_

Another show was necessary, Castiel knew. A flash of lightning, and he unfurled his wings. It was a simple act, but he knew it would be enough to catch Dean's attention. 

_"Some Angel you are. You burned out that poor woman's eyes."_

Oh, but he did love his charge very dearly, and how deeply, deeply he cared for everyone else. 

_"I warned her not to spy on my true form. It can be… overwhelming to humans, and so can my real voice."_ A beat. _"But you already knew that."_

_"You mean the gas station and the motel. That was you talking? Buddy, next time lower the volume."_

_"That was my mistake."_ He is not hurt. He is not wounded. And if he continues to tell himself this, God will make it true. _"Certain people, special people, can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them. I was wrong."_

_"And what visage are you in now, huh? What, holy tax accountant?"_

He is close. Jimmy is an accountant of some sort, if Castiel remembers correctly. _"This? This is a vessel._

_"You're possessing some poor bastard?!"_

His tone, his expression… Castiel feels immediate guilt. He must be gentle. Dean has been through a great deal. _"He's a devout man. He actually prayed for this."_

_"Well, I'm not buying what you're selling. So who are you really?"_

Castiel frowns. He is not sure how much clearer he can make it. This is… significantly more difficult than he imagined it would be. _"I told you._

_"Right. And why would an Angel rescue me from Hell?"_

Castiel is not understanding where Dean is coming from. He had a revelation, did he not? Shortly before his death? Where he realized that he was not meant for Hell, that he was going there far too soon, and that he didn't deserve it? So why the change in heart? _"Good things do happen, Dean."_

_"Not in my experience."_

_"What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved?"_

_"Why'd you do it?"_

There is no time to walk him gently through it, Castiel decides. He will come to the conclusion on his own, or he won't - Castiel must complete the work that has been laid out for him. He must get Dean set back on the path of redemption. He must prove to the Angels who wanted to leave him behind to rot in Hell that that was their mistake, and that it was not his to push harder and free his charge from their savage hands. He _must_ save the world from the Hell that is going to be unleashed upon it. 

_"Because God commanded it."_ A lie. His very first. _"Because we have work for you."_


End file.
